Thin Again covers various reasons for disordered eating. I would have said that I had a pretty normal childhood especially when compared to others. But in delving into the 5 points presented in the book I have found there are deeper issues at hand.
Trauma. I often wonder how my parents even were a 'couple' because they are polar opposites. After my Mom became pregnant, my parents were married because it was the honorable thing to do. It lasted a year and they were divorced when I was about a year old. As a child, I never understood that these two people, my parents, were even married, had a previous relationship, or were possibly friends in any way, because their relationship to each other was so hostile. I remember being the go between for their 'conversations' running back and forth from inside the living room to the car, as my Father picked me up for the weekend, passing along the stinging words back and forth to each parent. I would also run the 'child support' from my father to mother because they were not speaking. Somehow, along the way, I assumeed that it was MY fault for all of the arguing and agitation.
Abuse. Back then it seemed normal. As my Father sat in the bar getting drunk in the afternoon, my cousin and I waited for him in the van. We were sick from the stomach flu and had uncontrollable vomiting. I got out of the van and tried to find somewhere to vomit. I remember tripping and landing with my mouth over a ditch. My Father knew we were both sick but he had 'better' things to do and I began to learn my true value. I was a notch below the alcohol and we were
Controlling Environment. I had a very controlling Father figure who would constantly belittle me. After years of believing it to be true, I finally realized my true worth didn't hinge upon one man's words.
Lack of Validation. I think the few instances above pretty much sum up the lack of validation.
Today, I made a pan of brownies for fellowship after church. As I was writing this post (the above points) I went and ate two of them. It's strange because I didn't "allow" myself to 'feel' anything from my memories even though I was there and experienced them. Maybe if I allowed myself to 'feel' the anger, neglect and sorrow I wouldn't have to use food as a proxy. The food definitely helps numb all of that. In fact, there is no pain with food as the medicator in the present moment, but there is definitely sorrow after the fact.
Dear Lord, Help me to use today as a learning experience as to how and why I eat. You are the only one who can reach beyond all of the muck and mire of my past and heal my heart from all of the memories. Restore my soul. Guide me to your wonderful paths that you have prepared for me. I know your desire for me exceeds anything that I could ever expect.
