Casting my Cares

Where can I start? I have all of these wonderful and 'profound to me' thoughts and then when I come to write them on 'paper' they seem to fall flat! I've never been very eloquent but writing out my thoughts does help me if nothing else.

I've been wanting to come back to blogging but my fear has stopped me. The fear comes in so many packages. Some are small and some are big but they are still fear no matter their size or how pretty they are packaged.

My recovery from my two surgeries in April have been slow. My stomach pains have mostly dissapeared (finally- thank the Lord!) but I fear that if I move or stretch that things will become 'undone' and that I'll land myself back in the hospital. Being in a foreign hospital for two weeks was stressful and trying. Also in April I had a sever flare up with my Plantar Fasciitis which has hindered me from simple walking due to the pain every time my left foot hits the floor. I have found minor relief in splints and specialty shoes and have realized that I must work through this since nothing seems to be working for me.

And with all of these circumstances it seems that my goal to be 'Thin Within' is even more elusive than in times past. I thought I had obstacles before (ie the flesh and my self-will) and now I've got to throw these things into the mix and it's left me feeling a bit hopeless.

My lifestyle has been pretty inactive. It has only been for the past two weeks that I have finally started to walk again and try to get myself moving.

After writing my thoughts above I have realized that my biggest fear is not losing weight. It's the fear of failure. And yet my identity isn't defined by MY failure but by the Almighty God who lives in me. He can NEVER fail! There are so many scriptures that tell God's children To "Fear Not" and here is one of them I've just looked up.

Isaiah 41:13 "For I the LORD thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee."

Imagine that- God holds my right hand and has said He will help me!

I will choose to listen to the Voice of Truth!

Duty or Delight

 

I'll be over at my devo blog for the next 6 weeks doing a summer study of Duty or Delight by Tammi Head.  I hope you come visit me over there where I'll be posting more frequently.  I hope to post here as well but will probably be over there much more frequently. Click on my profile at right to find my journal of grace.

Failure and Grace

"He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot be great.  Failure is the true test of greatness." 
                                                                                             -Thin Again page 35

And might I rework this quote?  This was the first thing that popped into my head. 

"He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot experience grace.  Failure is the true test of grace." 

My greatness lies not in my ability nor in my works.  It lies in who He is, what  He's done, and where He is taking me  It's all about Him. 

True Satisfaction

As you can see, our relationship with food, eating and weight involves far more than whether or not we have the willpower to avoid  a second helping or maintain a rigid diet.  Hidden beneath the surface is our pain, our yearning, our ravenous desire to be loved, our longing  to be cherished, to be protected, to belong, and to be valued and considered precious.  As God's creations we sense that we are made for relationship.  We sense our need for an intimacy that will satisfy our need for security and significance, our need to be protected and cherished in relationship......

Disordered eating does not satisfy our silent hunger.  But according to the mercy of God, it will work to our good when we love him and are called according to his purpose...

I am convinced that all human beings have an inborn desire for intimacy with God.  Whether we are consciously religious or not, this desire is our deepest longing and our most precious treasure.  It gives us meaning.  It is our silent hunger...

Our silent hunger does not go away.  It may be repressed or suppressed. but it cannot be stifled.  Ultimately our need for love, security, and significance must be satisfied.  To do this we must, with God's help, resurrect and confront whatever issues have caused us to turn to counterfeit substitutes for intimacy.  As these issues are resolved we will be free to delight in the fullness of life God lovingly provides for us and to live a life of self-giving love that glorifies God forever.  He restores us to freedom.  We are healed.
                                                         -excerpts from pages 29 and 30, Thin Again.

Soothing the Savage Beast

Who wants to share all of their awful non victorious stories?  Certainly not I.  But I do  believe that even the bad stories can play a part in my victory.  I might have lost a battle but I haven't lost the war.  Amen!

I had a rough day Monday and hubby took me out for ice cream. (Bad decision!)    My day was rough and in conversation I was  'lightening my load' upon my hubby as we were driving to the ice cream shop.   We got our purchases and as we were driving home, ice cream in hand, *lick lick lick* I had a very sickening realization.   I realized HOW MUCH that ice cream made me calm,helped me to relax and destress.  (I'll BET my blood pressure was markedly lower!)

I hate looking in the mirror like this, but I do believe it's one of the stepping stones to having a healthy relationship with food.  I covet your prayers.  With all good intentions I prepare myself to take things to the Lord, but in habit,  I make a beeline to food without so much as uttering a prayer or thinking about Him.

Let it Go...

I've been thinking the past few days about pain and how it's okay to allow myself to feel it and experience it.  Pain, emotional or physical, isn't a bad thing,  It's the body's way of telling me that something is wrong and that attention is needed.  Emotional pain tells me that intimacy is not where it could be at and that help is also needed.

So, I'll allow myself to feel the...
Neglect
Rejection
Feelings of Abandonment
Inferiority
Lack of Value
Not feeling important
Being Forsaken
Anger
Frustration

When those feelings come I won't try and anesthetize myself and think that it is WRONG to feel a certain way and that I need to somehow hide them in the recesses of my soul. But it doesn't end there because God wants me to bring them to the light and God has provided a way to heal my heart.  Matthew 11:28 says  "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Oh how I need rest from the chaos and confusion  and need to take these things to the only One who can heal my soul! The Lord will take the burden on Himself and carry those things for me if I will only give the load to Him.

Going to God

It aint rocket science.  And it's still eye opening even though I already know the 'truth'.  And the truth hurts.  After reading the first 25 or so pages of Thin Again I've realized how little I go to God for comfort and how often I go to food.  I've used food as a substitute in intimacy instead of God.  *ouch*   I don't allow myself to feel the hurt of the past, the hurts of the present and even the worries of the future, but I stuff it down and medicate with food, numbing the pain.  I think about the thousands of times where God could have comforted me, had I let Him, and how many precious moments I have missed with him.  My heart breaks for what could have been.  On the flip side, I know that my time and experience is not wasted.  God can take even these circumstances and turn the tables.  Even in the midst of the ruins, God STILL offers hope, love and a way out.  That is just so God.  He never leaves us in the mess to stay and grovel but gently and lovingly lifts us out.  Praise the Lord for God's love and mercy.  God always offers and gives hope!