True Satisfaction

As you can see, our relationship with food, eating and weight involves far more than whether or not we have the willpower to avoid  a second helping or maintain a rigid diet.  Hidden beneath the surface is our pain, our yearning, our ravenous desire to be loved, our longing  to be cherished, to be protected, to belong, and to be valued and considered precious.  As God's creations we sense that we are made for relationship.  We sense our need for an intimacy that will satisfy our need for security and significance, our need to be protected and cherished in relationship......

Disordered eating does not satisfy our silent hunger.  But according to the mercy of God, it will work to our good when we love him and are called according to his purpose...

I am convinced that all human beings have an inborn desire for intimacy with God.  Whether we are consciously religious or not, this desire is our deepest longing and our most precious treasure.  It gives us meaning.  It is our silent hunger...

Our silent hunger does not go away.  It may be repressed or suppressed. but it cannot be stifled.  Ultimately our need for love, security, and significance must be satisfied.  To do this we must, with God's help, resurrect and confront whatever issues have caused us to turn to counterfeit substitutes for intimacy.  As these issues are resolved we will be free to delight in the fullness of life God lovingly provides for us and to live a life of self-giving love that glorifies God forever.  He restores us to freedom.  We are healed.
                                                         -excerpts from pages 29 and 30, Thin Again.

Soothing the Savage Beast

Who wants to share all of their awful non victorious stories?  Certainly not I.  But I do  believe that even the bad stories can play a part in my victory.  I might have lost a battle but I haven't lost the war.  Amen!

I had a rough day Monday and hubby took me out for ice cream. (Bad decision!)    My day was rough and in conversation I was  'lightening my load' upon my hubby as we were driving to the ice cream shop.   We got our purchases and as we were driving home, ice cream in hand, *lick lick lick* I had a very sickening realization.   I realized HOW MUCH that ice cream made me calm,helped me to relax and destress.  (I'll BET my blood pressure was markedly lower!)

I hate looking in the mirror like this, but I do believe it's one of the stepping stones to having a healthy relationship with food.  I covet your prayers.  With all good intentions I prepare myself to take things to the Lord, but in habit,  I make a beeline to food without so much as uttering a prayer or thinking about Him.

Let it Go...

I've been thinking the past few days about pain and how it's okay to allow myself to feel it and experience it.  Pain, emotional or physical, isn't a bad thing,  It's the body's way of telling me that something is wrong and that attention is needed.  Emotional pain tells me that intimacy is not where it could be at and that help is also needed.

So, I'll allow myself to feel the...
Neglect
Rejection
Feelings of Abandonment
Inferiority
Lack of Value
Not feeling important
Being Forsaken
Anger
Frustration

When those feelings come I won't try and anesthetize myself and think that it is WRONG to feel a certain way and that I need to somehow hide them in the recesses of my soul. But it doesn't end there because God wants me to bring them to the light and God has provided a way to heal my heart.  Matthew 11:28 says  "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Oh how I need rest from the chaos and confusion  and need to take these things to the only One who can heal my soul! The Lord will take the burden on Himself and carry those things for me if I will only give the load to Him.

Going to God

It aint rocket science.  And it's still eye opening even though I already know the 'truth'.  And the truth hurts.  After reading the first 25 or so pages of Thin Again I've realized how little I go to God for comfort and how often I go to food.  I've used food as a substitute in intimacy instead of God.  *ouch*   I don't allow myself to feel the hurt of the past, the hurts of the present and even the worries of the future, but I stuff it down and medicate with food, numbing the pain.  I think about the thousands of times where God could have comforted me, had I let Him, and how many precious moments I have missed with him.  My heart breaks for what could have been.  On the flip side, I know that my time and experience is not wasted.  God can take even these circumstances and turn the tables.  Even in the midst of the ruins, God STILL offers hope, love and a way out.  That is just so God.  He never leaves us in the mess to stay and grovel but gently and lovingly lifts us out.  Praise the Lord for God's love and mercy.  God always offers and gives hope!

Disordered Eating

Thin Again covers various reasons for disordered eating. I would have said that I had a pretty normal childhood especially when compared to others. But in delving into the 5 points presented in the book I have found there are deeper issues at hand.

Trauma. I often wonder how my parents even were a 'couple' because they are polar opposites. After my Mom became pregnant, my parents were married because it was the honorable thing to do. It lasted a year and they were divorced when I was about a year old. As a child, I never understood that these two people, my parents, were even married, had a previous relationship, or were possibly friends in any way, because their relationship to each other was so hostile. I remember being the go between for their 'conversations' running back and forth from inside the living room to the car, as my Father picked me up for the weekend, passing along the stinging words back and forth to each parent. I would also run the 'child support' from my father to mother because they were not speaking.  Somehow, along the way, I assumeed that it was MY fault for all of the arguing and agitation.

Abuse. Back then it seemed normal. As my Father sat in the bar getting drunk in the afternoon, my cousin and I waited for him in the van. We were sick from the stomach flu and had uncontrollable vomiting. I got out of the van and tried to find somewhere to vomit. I remember tripping and landing with my mouth over a ditch. My Father knew we were both sick but he had 'better' things to do and I began to learn my true value. I was a notch below the alcohol and we were non essential. expendable.

Controlling Environment. I had a very controlling Father figure who would constantly belittle me. After years of believing it to be true, I finally realized my true worth didn't hinge upon one man's words.

Lack of Validation. I think the few instances above pretty much sum up the lack of validation.

Today, I made a pan of brownies for fellowship after church. As I was writing this post (the above points) I went and ate two of them. It's strange because I didn't "allow" myself to 'feel' anything from my memories even though I was there and experienced them. Maybe if I allowed myself to 'feel' the anger, neglect and sorrow I wouldn't have to use food as a proxy.   The food definitely helps numb all of that. In fact, there is no pain with food as the medicator in the present moment, but there is definitely sorrow after the fact.

Dear Lord, Help me to use today as a learning experience as to how and why I eat. You are the only one who can reach beyond all of the muck and mire of my past and heal my heart from all of the memories. Restore my soul. Guide me to your wonderful paths that you have prepared for me. I know your desire for me exceeds anything that I could ever expect.

Reasons for Overeating

On pages 18-22 there are quite a few stories of a few ladies and how their past experiences had shaped their current view of themselves and their views of food and overeating.  In the margin of my TA book I wrote down each experience of these ladies and what caused them to turn to food.

Here they are as I see them with a few others of my own that I have added.  All of these are reasons that I, too, have turned to food for comfort.

Lack of Control of a situation
Didn't meet expectations of others
Didn't feel accepted
Didn't feel worthy in the eyes of others
Felt rejected by others
Anger
Belittled
Guilt of past sin
Guilt of present sin
Sorrow
Frustration
Pain
Shame
Not able to express my feelings
Feeling flawed
Habit- after a while, familliarity and habit kicks in and no 'reason' is really needed.  

GoodBye Shame!

 I started my blog a while back and wanted to share about the name.  Romans 10:11 says that "Whosoever believes on Him  (Jesus) shall not be ashamed."   Jesus has taken the sin and my shame and it has been nailed to the cross by His perfect sacrifice. 
When I heard this song, entitled  "Goodbye Shame" sung by Jason Gray,  I absolutely LOVED it and how it personifies grace!!!

Here are the lyrics and here is an mp3 if you'd like to hear it.   

Hello, that's what you said when we first met
In A moment that I wish I could forget
But Lately, I'm looking for the right words to say
That it's time to walk away
Cause I don't need you anymore

Adios, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen  It's all the same
This is good-bye shame
See you later, anyway you want to say it, hey That's okay
This is goodbye, goodbye shame

Hello, she told me grace was her name
And she came to give me something for the pain
I'm sorry, but she's the new love of my life
And you can put up your best fight
But I know you never loved me anyway

Bridge-
I changed my mind, my locks, my address
And cell phone number too
I've tried to say it every way I know
To get it through to you that we're through
Cause I'm so over you

This is goodbye shame Fare thee well, cheerio, Arrive Derche
Did you hear me say
tThis is hasta la vista shame
This is me forgetting your name
This is goodbye Shame

Silent Hunger

I've decided to read/blog through Thin Again even if I read one measly page a day!  What I love about Thin Again is that it delves into the root issues of food and overeating, rather then dealing with the symptoms. I've dealt with symptoms before, and it's like pulling out a weed from the ground surface rather then pulling the weed from the root.

In the Introduction, Thin Again opens talking about everyone having a Silent Hunger.  The Silent Hunger is the inner desire of the soul's deepest need.  I think, as women, we try and fill our Silent Hunger with many things.  Family,  Husband,  Children, Food,  Jobs,  Boyfriends,  Money,  Shopping, and many other things.  For me, it's food.  It's ironic that I try to meet the soul's deep need of Spiritual Hunger with earthly food.  The only thing that can meet that need is God, and no matter how much I try to stifle, stuff or substitute that need, it can never be silenced with anything but God.

I'm asking myself the question,  "What exactly is my Silent Hunger?"  If I look deep down and search my heart, I can pinpoint the Silent Hunger of my heart.  Love.  Acceptance.  Belonging.  To feel protected and safe.  These are the innermost desires of my heart.  When these needs are not met, I panic,  (I'm VERY good at panicking!) and try to fill the void with food instead of trusting the Lord.  But the ONE need that stands out from all of those is acceptance.  Acceptance from others-  to be loved for who I am, warts and all. I have a problem with letting me the real me show, that if someone knew who I really was they wouldn't want to be my friend (due to my imperfections)  or I would have to retreat into my shell because they "knew too much".   I know it sounds so childish to read this!  ;)

Lately, I've really come to grasp the amazing truth of God's acceptance and love for me and there has been a great revolution in my heart and life.  If God accepts me then that is the only thing matters!  I know that He can meet the needs like no one else can.

"If you are willing to listen to the voice of your silent hunger, you will find that God is present to soothe, satisfy, and make you feel secure in ways that nothing of this world can."   -page 13

Not a Proclamation

It seems that every time I make some sort of proclamation of a new beginning that it goes over like a Led Zeppelin.  So, I am not going to do that.  I am simply going to start journaling my adventure.  Again.  (I can't even count how many times I've started!!)

I struggle when it comes to being transparent- that others could read this and find out exactly who I am, and learn that I don't have any self control in the area of food.  How can I be a pastor's wife if there is such a shameful sin in my life, when the plain truth is that they can look at me, at my body size, and know that I DO have a problem.  Kind of ironic, isn't it?  Maybe that's what Paul meant in 1 Timothy speaking about men's sins being evident and out in the open.

It's funny.  Even though I struggle with being transparent and not wanting people to know who I am, there is this desire to want a voice and to tell my story, as uninteresting and boring as it might be.  Maybe it's because ministry has taught me that I should be 'this way' or 'that way' and it makes me want to tell my story even more.  A part of me wants to let it all hang out and know that I am accepted no matter what, just like the Lord Jesus accepts me,  and I find such great comfort in that!  He has been so faithful to me and accepts me as I am- but loves me so much not to leave me in the state I am in!