Failure and Grace

"He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot be great.  Failure is the true test of greatness." 
                                                                                             -Thin Again page 35

And might I rework this quote?  This was the first thing that popped into my head. 

"He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot experience grace.  Failure is the true test of grace." 

My greatness lies not in my ability nor in my works.  It lies in who He is, what  He's done, and where He is taking me  It's all about Him. 

Let it Go...

I've been thinking the past few days about pain and how it's okay to allow myself to feel it and experience it.  Pain, emotional or physical, isn't a bad thing,  It's the body's way of telling me that something is wrong and that attention is needed.  Emotional pain tells me that intimacy is not where it could be at and that help is also needed.

So, I'll allow myself to feel the...
Neglect
Rejection
Feelings of Abandonment
Inferiority
Lack of Value
Not feeling important
Being Forsaken
Anger
Frustration

When those feelings come I won't try and anesthetize myself and think that it is WRONG to feel a certain way and that I need to somehow hide them in the recesses of my soul. But it doesn't end there because God wants me to bring them to the light and God has provided a way to heal my heart.  Matthew 11:28 says  "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  Oh how I need rest from the chaos and confusion  and need to take these things to the only One who can heal my soul! The Lord will take the burden on Himself and carry those things for me if I will only give the load to Him.

Going to God

It aint rocket science.  And it's still eye opening even though I already know the 'truth'.  And the truth hurts.  After reading the first 25 or so pages of Thin Again I've realized how little I go to God for comfort and how often I go to food.  I've used food as a substitute in intimacy instead of God.  *ouch*   I don't allow myself to feel the hurt of the past, the hurts of the present and even the worries of the future, but I stuff it down and medicate with food, numbing the pain.  I think about the thousands of times where God could have comforted me, had I let Him, and how many precious moments I have missed with him.  My heart breaks for what could have been.  On the flip side, I know that my time and experience is not wasted.  God can take even these circumstances and turn the tables.  Even in the midst of the ruins, God STILL offers hope, love and a way out.  That is just so God.  He never leaves us in the mess to stay and grovel but gently and lovingly lifts us out.  Praise the Lord for God's love and mercy.  God always offers and gives hope!

Disordered Eating

Thin Again covers various reasons for disordered eating. I would have said that I had a pretty normal childhood especially when compared to others. But in delving into the 5 points presented in the book I have found there are deeper issues at hand.

Trauma. I often wonder how my parents even were a 'couple' because they are polar opposites. After my Mom became pregnant, my parents were married because it was the honorable thing to do. It lasted a year and they were divorced when I was about a year old. As a child, I never understood that these two people, my parents, were even married, had a previous relationship, or were possibly friends in any way, because their relationship to each other was so hostile. I remember being the go between for their 'conversations' running back and forth from inside the living room to the car, as my Father picked me up for the weekend, passing along the stinging words back and forth to each parent. I would also run the 'child support' from my father to mother because they were not speaking.  Somehow, along the way, I assumeed that it was MY fault for all of the arguing and agitation.

Abuse. Back then it seemed normal. As my Father sat in the bar getting drunk in the afternoon, my cousin and I waited for him in the van. We were sick from the stomach flu and had uncontrollable vomiting. I got out of the van and tried to find somewhere to vomit. I remember tripping and landing with my mouth over a ditch. My Father knew we were both sick but he had 'better' things to do and I began to learn my true value. I was a notch below the alcohol and we were non essential. expendable.

Controlling Environment. I had a very controlling Father figure who would constantly belittle me. After years of believing it to be true, I finally realized my true worth didn't hinge upon one man's words.

Lack of Validation. I think the few instances above pretty much sum up the lack of validation.

Today, I made a pan of brownies for fellowship after church. As I was writing this post (the above points) I went and ate two of them. It's strange because I didn't "allow" myself to 'feel' anything from my memories even though I was there and experienced them. Maybe if I allowed myself to 'feel' the anger, neglect and sorrow I wouldn't have to use food as a proxy.   The food definitely helps numb all of that. In fact, there is no pain with food as the medicator in the present moment, but there is definitely sorrow after the fact.

Dear Lord, Help me to use today as a learning experience as to how and why I eat. You are the only one who can reach beyond all of the muck and mire of my past and heal my heart from all of the memories. Restore my soul. Guide me to your wonderful paths that you have prepared for me. I know your desire for me exceeds anything that I could ever expect.

Reasons for Overeating

On pages 18-22 there are quite a few stories of a few ladies and how their past experiences had shaped their current view of themselves and their views of food and overeating.  In the margin of my TA book I wrote down each experience of these ladies and what caused them to turn to food.

Here they are as I see them with a few others of my own that I have added.  All of these are reasons that I, too, have turned to food for comfort.

Lack of Control of a situation
Didn't meet expectations of others
Didn't feel accepted
Didn't feel worthy in the eyes of others
Felt rejected by others
Anger
Belittled
Guilt of past sin
Guilt of present sin
Sorrow
Frustration
Pain
Shame
Not able to express my feelings
Feeling flawed
Habit- after a while, familliarity and habit kicks in and no 'reason' is really needed.